I know.

The worst small talk ever!

Why is this Q so hard to answer?

Often this question is speaking to our mind rather than how we feel. If you are like me, overthinking causes me to be disconnected from my feelings. I spend more time observing, processing, and interpreting than actually in body feeling. Leaving a huge chasm between my thinking brain and an embodied emotion.

So I expressed this struggle to a friend, who sets up these connection workshops. And they took me through this exercise, where we go back-and-forth asking each other, how do you feel? In order to get through all the thoughts to get to the feeling. My god there were a lot of thoughts. But I fi nally arrived at a feeling.

There is comfort in being asked by someone who actually wants to listen to the full answer. To share how we are actually feeling. It’s like an invitation to an inner world. Yet how do we know whether or not their question is looking for a real answer?

Friendships Have Levels

1. You
   This is your world, we’re just living in it.

2. Inside Friends like Close Friends. Clear Round Table of Confidants.
   Those you invite to your house.

3. Outside Friends like Work Friends. Party Friends. Hobby Friends.
   You hang with them out of the house.

4. Strangers TBD
   Yet to be determined. 

Inside Friends

These are the people you can text “I’m not okay” and call without needing context. They’ve earned the right to see behind the scenes. They get the unfiltered updates. Not just the wins, but the breakdowns in between.

You trust them because they’ve proven they can hold space. They’ve been consistent. they’ve handled your honesty with care. Yall likely have been through something hard together and come out closer.

Intimacy here is natural. It’s not forced or performative. It’s built on showing up, again and again. Intimacy that is built on: safety, consistency, and curiosity. No agenda. There just here. These relationships are rare, but they’re gold.

According to research, we tend to have 4-5 close friends. Anthropologist Robin Dunbar suggests that we can maintain approximately five close friendships at a time, mainly due to cognitive and emotional constraints. These require maintenance, forsure. story for another day.

Outside Friends

These are your work friends, gym friends, the people you hang out with but don’t necessarily open up to. We like them. They’re fun. We share meals, ideas, laughs — but not our whole inner world.

According to research we hit our cognitive limit of 150 social relationships that we can meaningfully sustain, called "Dunbar's Number." Yup sounds insane but possible.

Yet for these outside friends, we probably don’t text them when we’re spiraling. And if you did, it might feel a little off. That’s not their role. And that’s okay. They are the friends who see slices of your life, but not the whole cake. They might know about your last breakup, but not how it cracked open your mother wound.

They serve an important role, it gives you connection without the emotional load. The intimacy is lighter. They remind you of your lightness, the fun parts of you that exist sans trauma drama. But this isn’t the crew to process your existential dread at 2am. They haven’t built the scaffolding of trust yet and that’s okay.

Intimacy here is more curated. Existing in mostly shared context. More shared laughter than shared tears. It’s real, but it’s filtered. Being built on: shared interests, mutual fun, and respectful boundaries. They’re the ones who might grow deeper with over time… or not.

I’m all for oversharing, but it might place pressure on someone else to receive all those emotions and make sense of it. Rule of thumb, I just ask if they are open and have the energy to receive a rant.

Strangers

These are people you don’t know well yet, or at all. They might be curious about you. They might feel familiar. But without time, consistency, and follow-through, it’s not intimacy. It’s just potential.

You can still experience intimacy with strangers. Ever have a heart-spill convo with someone in line at a cafe? Beautiful! Met many of my inside friends in this way. But this intimacy is fleeting because it has no roots yet. Unless nurtured and followed up to know more.

Lesson to self, you don’t owe depth to everyone and not everyone who asks how are you? Is prepared for the real answer.

This level is where discernment lives. You don’t owe anyone your soul just because they ask how are you? Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is keep it surface-level.

They could be a mirror, a moment, or your next soul friend. But until trust is built, you’re tuning into micro-signals: Do they feel safe? Regulated? Emotionally intelligent? Are they interested in connection or collecting?

The intimacy here is built on: presence, gut feelings, and energy reading. Intuition is big here to sniff out fakers, intent laden with arousal, and any other energy vampires.

Trust is not assumed, it’s sensed. Gut sound or feeling. Voice from afar. Neck tingle. Lump in the throat. If this is felt. Flee. In my experience, angling my body away from someone is a good body language to end an unwanted conversation.

Intimacy is Attention Without Agenda

Intimacy needs levels, not walls. Not everyone earns a backstage pass. But that doesn’t mean connection can’t exist. It just has to be right. Intimacy works best when you know what kind of relationship you’re actually in. Not every connection is built to hold the same weight and that’s not a bad thing. It’s about knowing who gets what level of access. Because if you’re sharing the real stuff with someone who hasn’t earned that trust, you’re not being vulnerable. Learned from experience, it’s unsafe!